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If there’s one thing we learned today, it’s that the Mayans got it all wrong.

The world unfortunately thankfully wont end by sundown, but that’s just because it’s supposed to end in ten days. I know it’s ten days because CNBC has a fiscal cliff countdown, and a screaming man using basketball analogies to explain how time works.

“IN THE GAME, WHEN A TIMEOUT’S CALLED THE CLOCK STOPS! IN REAL LIFE, IT DOESN’T!”

Asks the anchor –

“Does the market care if we go over the cliff?”

What does the market want this year? I can’t even remember the last gift. I haven’t even really started shopping, which leaves me concerned. What happens when you go to the store the weekend before Christmas? Is it just broken shards of glass, swept into piles next to superglue stations where you have to pay to put together your own crap.

Does the market wear shoes?

Heels?

Insoles?

There was just a segment on HLN on what to buy your wife

Old White Guy –

“You know what I got my wife? I got her a gift certificate to get a tattoo. She’s said something six months ago about wanting to get a tattoo on her ankle. The thing only cost me fifty bucks, but what it really came down to was that I listened.”

Anchor –

“THAT’S really what it’s about. You listen for a minute sometime six months before, take note, and then bring it back full circle.”

I haven’t dared yet to look at FOX

I don’t usually watch TV. I’m on my Christmas break in Portland where people have less teeth and cable is provided in abundance.

And there’s compost!

The flight here was great. I made friends with the lovely attendants who gave me free bottles of wine and told me stories about passengers shitting themselves in the galley. There was one of those white guys (the ones who decide to go to Vietnam to hand out free pairs of Toms so that they look like they’re doing something with their lives) mad buggin’ the whole time, taking the snack basket from its perch and passing out chips to the other fliers.

Me and the flight attendant made fun of him and plotted how we would kill him, chop him up, and flush him into the belly of the plane.

She also taught me how to open the door thingy. I should become a terrorist. I don’t think they could water board me, I’d like it too much.

There was just a segment on CNBC called Things That Make You Go Hmmm

Hmmmm….

I can’t think of anything that makes me go hmmm.

I’m just glad that neither the NRA nor the Republican Party had anything smart to say today, as it would have convinced me the world really was ending.

In the meantime, I guess I’ll just go Christmas shopping, and wait for the cable news shows to build up the next great emergency. ■

– M

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