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This just in, watching Two and a Half Men is the devil, and Angus Jones – one of the show’s three stars – does not want you to do it.

Which is perfect because none of us watched it anyway!

Wait…. who is Angus Jones?

Does that mean those of us who never did watch are in the God feared clear?

Probably not. There’s plenty of other things people who love “God” hate, surely you’ll all be smitten, so don’t act all blessed you righteous pieces of shit.

Since Romney’s loss at the polls, the bank of Christian cray-cray has been mostly quiet… until now! This wonderful montage of complete bullshit came sprawling into the newsfeed, and I’ve been so devoid of religious people to tear apart that I’ve decided to jump all over a person I’ve never heard of; squashing him like a Southern Baptist on the civil rights of blacks, gays, women, taxes, and… well… everyone.

So if you’re into awkward banter between a white guy and a black guy about how the white guy knows other black people and, thus, knows it’s ok to call black people “black,” then you shouldn’t miss this gem. It’s certainly better than Two and A Half Men, and you get to hear about how Angus used to smoke pot, drop acid, play video games, do “artsy stuff,” you know, “doing things,” and other boring suburban privileged American boy habits.

This is what awkward people trying to sound smart for too long looks like (embedded below).

And if that’s not enough, I’ve actually for no apparent reason bothered to transcribe my favorite parts.

Back to black people: (@ 1:15 pt 2)

White person:

“I was lookin’ to go to a church with an all black congregation… and uh… kind of a…you know.. I was…. I guess you could say I was looking for like a… black gospel theme…I don’t know… I was jus…I… I like black people… and uh…. I’m not afraid to say it…and um…. And uh…. And uh… and uh you know I say… I say black… I say black cause… like…I have a friend… A friend of mine… he was a Bible worker…. And he’s black… and he says to me ‘I’m not African American… I was not born in Africa… I am black…’ he says that to me… so I… I… I’m… now… I’m not afraid.. I…I… you know… black are ro.…. black people rock…”

Black person:

“you’re good… you’re good bro… you’re good… you got a pass…. you’re good… you’re good.”

WHEW!… that was awkward!

So what caused all this enlightenment? (@ 7:40 pt 1)

Interviewer:

“Remember you sayin… talking about maybe doing some type of thing with art, or something like that?”

Angus:

“Yeah it was… it was… it was gonna be… you know some kind of… artist group…. uh… In some way… we didn’t really know… we… we… you know… we had a lot of ideas… umm… but we were just talking about… like… what was gonna be like… the.. you know… what was kinda gonna be the slogan or what would we write on if we were gonna have clothes like what would our theme kinda be… stuff like that you know… and um… I had said that you know…God… God’s definitely gonna be a… God is definatley a part of this and I was like… kinda… kinda… hit me in this weird way I was like… no…. no God is… God is the center of all this… God is the reson for all this”

He also laments that he has nice things that sit around “like food.” You know…  because he doesn’t use them… WAIT…WTF???

SIGH

Since nobody asked ever, Angus’ thoughts on the Sabbath? (@ 4:20 pt 2)

“Sundown… sundown Friday… sundown Saturday… umm… I… you know… I make sure… I make sure to ah… keep it to the point…”

Succinct!

My favorite quote comes at the 5:13 mark of part two, an answer to what certainly was a question that could not possibly have ever existed.

“So…you know just learning the truth… is one of those things that I’ve.., that… has… it’s… it’s… so… it’s.. you know… changed my life thoroughly and just… you know… given me like a whole new… like, way… like… just… every single day you… no matter what happens in the day just is… is just a great day… you know… cause… I… ah… get to be a part of what’s G…. what god is doing in this world which is… which is just crazy that the creator of the universe even… even is concern… (every possible vowel sound)…. Is… I’m allowed to…. you know… I’m allowed to be a part of the work…”

This all leads to some awkward tickling on a couch that looks like the beginnings of one of those cheap Sean Cody pornos where the straight guys meet for the first time and then… you know… they stop being straight… and stuff…

Great! So… what does this have to do with your evil show? Or anything at all?

Well, apparently the point of all this nonsense is because Angus Jones is repenting… eventually… but not yet…

No, he’s not ready yet, he’s “ready to be ready…” which we’re assured is “the real deal…”

I assume this is alluding to the fact that Angus Jones continues to get paid by the hedonistic show from which he receives a whopping $350,000 per episode, so he can’t quite be ready yet, because then he couldn’t make all that money… I… I… I mean… I mean like…. like… he still has a contract he could cancel.

As light piano literally begins to trickle in the background, we learn that the name of the game is “compromise,” and “you’re either hot or you’re cold,” and “you need to pick your side now,” and “you need to be 100%,” and “You’re harming those others who might actually want to know the truth.”

…Except, of course, if you’re Angus Jones.

WAH???

It’s an ironic mantra for such a man. He hasn’t actually walked away from anything at all yet laments how enlightened he’s become; how he aspires to be a better celebrity and, thus, a more admirable role model. There’s really no excuse for spewing defective philosophical diatribes against the institutionalized bullshit, especially not if CBS is paying your bills. Is Angus going to hand back all the money he made from his devil’s show? How is he going to repair the damage he has already done? How will he come to terms with the fact the he continues to produce material that ills the world? Oh, and of course, who gives a shit?

As the interviewer so accurately concludes, “Whether you like it or not, the truth is the truth.” ■

-A

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